Fishing Jokes

! Wife:
- What was your catch yesterday?
- Six bream.
- Then we've been overcharged. The shop sent a bill for eight.

A fisherman carries a 30 kg pike into the apartment. His wife, from the kitchen:
- Kolya, is that you back from fishing? Toss the fish to the cat as usual and come have dinner.

Wife to husband:
- Before we got married you showered me with presents. Why did you stop after our wedding?
- Have you ever heard of a fisherman putting bait on the hook after the fish is already caught?

Wife to husband:
- I see you caught nothing again!
- No, I did catch one fish.
- So where is it?
- Swimming around somewhere with my spinning rod…

A husband comes home from work. There's a note on the table:
"Darling. I'm at my friend's. Dinner's on the stove. Fishing rods are in the corner. If pike costs more than five rubles, buy perch."

How's your hubby feeling after the treatment? - one woman asks her friend.
- Great! He spends whole days at the city fountain.
- What's he doing there?
- Fishing.
- Don't you think they didn't finish curing him?
- Maybe you're right. But I really fancy some fish soup.

Neighbour, I've noticed your husband has lost a lot of weight lately. Is he ill?
- No, he just goes fishing every day.
- And that makes him lose weight?
- Of course. He only eats the fish he catches.

Hey, Vitek, yesterday I took my wife fishing with me.
- And?
- Nobody bit.

"Selling fishing tackle and fishing clothes cheap. Phone: 545-31. If a man answers, say: "Wrong number".

A wife tells her husband:
- Your buddy called.
- What did he want?
- He asked me to tell you the fishing trip is cancelled, the bar is closed for stocktaking.

A fisherman is heading out for some ice fishing. Steps out early in the morning - it's cold, snowing... no transport running. He gives up and goes back home. His wife's still asleep. He slips under the blanket, snuggles up to her..
She (without opening her eyes):
- Is that you, darling? And my idiot dragged himself off fishing!

Two fishermen are talking. One complains to the other.
- Damn, my wife won't let me go fishing. Says all I do there is get drunk.
- Here's what you do: in the morning, when you feel like going fishing, throw off the blanket and tell your wife "what an a$%s you've got!". She'll kick you out herself.
So the first one does just that. Wakes up, throws off the blanket and says loudly: "What an A..S!!!.. Nah, I'd better not go fishing".

A phone call:
Is Vasya home?
- You know, we've had such a tragedy — Vasya died.
- I don't get it... So what, he's not coming fishing then?

Speaking of fishermen: a fisherman needs nerves of steel and a cast-iron backside.

Love is like fishing: if they're not biting, reel in your lines!

A mother says to her son:
- Take your little sister fishing with you.
- No way! - he objects sharply.
- Why not? You'll see, she won't bother you.
- That's not the point, mom, - the son waves it off. Last time I took her, she gobbled up all my worms...

A phone conversation:
- I'm coming over to your place now. Fry some fish.
- But I don't have any fish!
- You fry, I'll bring the fish.

A guy comes back from fishing, and his neighbour drops by.
Neighbour: - So how was the fishing, catch a lot?
Guy: - Oh, loads. Got home, dumped it out - a whole toilet full.

One friend tells another:
- It was awful, yesterday I went fishing with my husband for the first time and we had a terrible fight.
- What happened?
- Well, first I talked loudly and scared off all the fish, then I put on the wrong bait, then I set the hook wrong. And it all ended really badly: I caught more fish than he did.

An old woman sits on the seashore waiting for her old man to come back from fishing.
Suddenly the blue sea washes a bottle up onto the shore, right at the old woman's feet.
Surprised, the old woman picks up the bottle and opens it. Out comes a Genie and says:
- I hear you, my mistress. I can grant you any three wishes, because you are now my new owner.
The old woman just sat down in shock.
- What, really any three? - the old woman asked.
- Yes. - the Genie replied.
The old woman thought a bit and said:
- Well, first, I want the finest palace to stand in place of this hut, second, I want to become a young beauty, third, I want that cat over there to become a handsome young man.
- I hear and obey. - said the Genie.
And suddenly, out of nowhere, in place of the hut stands a white-stone palace the likes of which the world has never seen. The old woman looks in the mirror and gasps - she's become a fair maiden so lovely you can't take your eyes off her. She turns around and sees - standing before her is a tall, handsome blond with blue eyes.
And this blond says to her:
- Well, granny? Now you'll be sorry you had me neutered two years ago.

Back from fishing, the husband asks:
- Is the cat home?
- Come in, don't be scared, I bought him some sprats, - the wife replies.

A dad and his little son went fishing one day. They're sitting in a boat. Suddenly the kid gets curious about everything around him. He asks:
- Dad, dad, how does this boat float?
Dad (staring at the float):
- Not now, son, not now..
A little later:
- Dad, dad, how do fish breathe underwater?
- Not now son, not now...
A few minutes later:
- Dad, dad, why is the sky blue?
- Not now son, not now...
And finally:
- Dad, dad, you're not upset that I'm asking you all these questions?
- Of course not, son, - the dad answers, - if you don't ask, you'll never know anything...

A wife is in bed with her lover. The phone rings. The woman picks up, talks for a bit and tells her lover.
- That was my husband, he said he's gone fishing with you.

A guy is sitting there fishing. He looks, and there's a scrap of paper floating down the river.
He fishes it out, and it's a lottery ticket. He goes and checks it, and it's a winner, 100 million! He runs home to his wife.
He's just about to share his joy with her, when she says:
-Go away, I can't deal with you now: mom has died...
The guy thinks to himself: Wow, damn, what a lucky streak!!!

Little Albert rings the neighbor's doorbell and, when the man opens the door, announces:
- Mom told me to tell you that dad has gone fishing, and I'll be playing in the sandbox in the yard...

Granny asks Grandpa: - Grandpa, what's a "situation"?
- Well, Granny, it's when you went off to your mother's in the neighboring collective farm for two weeks, but came back after
one week. And here I am in bed with another granny... That's exactly a "situation".
Granny: - Or when you went off fishing with your buddy for 3 days, but came back after one day. And I'm in bed with
the blacksmith. Is that a "situation" too?
- No, Granny, that's not a "situation", that's prostitution.

Two mute Chukchi are ice fishing. One of them signs to the other:
"I'm not getting any bites, you know".
The other one signs back:
"What are you yelling for across the whole ice floe, you know, you'll scare off all the fish".

A meeting of the amateur anglers' society is underway. The chairman is speaking.
- Ice fishing season is coming up. How much vodka are we taking? The year before last we took one bottle each - we lost our rods; last year we took two each - we lost the bus. What do you suggest?
One angler steps forward:
- I suggest this year we take three each, but don't take the rods and don't get off the bus.

Variant:
The officers of a military unit are getting ready to go fishing.
They've settled everything - when and where, but how much to take per head, they just can't figure out. They send a delegation to the commander.
- Comrade Commander, everything's in order, only how much are we taking each? Time before last we took a liter each, and then we had to run to the village for moonshine. Last time we took two each, and we nearly drowned the nets, and barely managed to find the deputy for technical affairs and the political officer.
- Right, comrade officers, here's my decision:
We take three each, the nets stay at home, and the political officer and the deputy for technical affairs are not to be let off the bus!

A guy is sitting by an ice hole in a terrible frost, fishing, and two fishermen walk past.
- Hey man, why no hat, it's f@###ing freezing?
- Oh, #$# that, yesterday I sat here in a hat, and didn't hear when they called me over to drink.

One winter a guy set off fishing. He arrives and starts chipping at the ice, when suddenly some voice says:
- There's no fish here!
The guy doesn't get it, moves to another spot, starts chipping, and the voice again:
- There's no fish here! The guy moves again, and again he hears:
- There's no fish here!!!
- Who the hell are you???
- The ice rink manager!

A fisherman was getting ready for some ice fishing. He went out early in the morning - it's cold, snowing... no transport running. He gives up and heads back home. His wife is still asleep. He climbs under the blanket and snuggles up to his wife..
She (without opening her eyes):
- Is that you, darling? And my idiot dragged himself off fishing!

Once some gangster guys went ice fishing. So they get there, knock back a few, and see that they didn't bring anything to chip the ice with. So they send one of their guys to the nearest village for a crowbar. He hops into the jeep and off to the village.
He pulls up at a house and yells:
- Hey, old man, give us a crowbar to chip the ice.
The old man gives him one, and he drives off. An hour later he comes back again:
- Old man, hey, old man! Got another crowbar? The old man gives them another one.
An hour later he comes back again.
- Old man, got another crowbar?
- So, son, are they biting well?
- Like hell, we haven't even got the boat into the water yet!!!!

Two New Russians are getting ready to go fishing, but it's already cold - time for ice fishing! The first one reminds the second that he has no ice auger, no felt boots, no winter rods and all the other gear.
- So what, who cares, as long as the fish are biting.
- You'll freeze!
- Yeah, I've hated the cold since I was a kid!
- Well, then how about winter fishing, on the first ice?
- How, how? - winter's the same as summer, on the Red Sea!

Question: "How do you spot a fisherman at the bathhouse?"
Answer: "He's got a bruise on his forearm".

- How come you don't go fishing in winter? - Damn, the dynamite won't fit through the ice hole.

Once a keen angler got frostbite on his manhood while fishing. He goes to a surgeon and says:
- Doctor, help, save it..
The doctor looks, feels it and says:
- My condolences, but we'll have to cut...all of it, there's nothing that can help anymore...
The guy, all upset, decides to try his luck, goes to a pediatrician and tells him, this and that, the surgeon says it has to be cut off... And the pediatrician replies:
- Now, now, don't get upset, come on, stand up on this little chair... right, now jump off it... aha, there, it's fallen off by itself, and those surgeons, you know, all they want is to cut everybody...

A refugee arrived at a new place, somewhere beyond the Urals. Winter came, and he went ice fishing. He gets to the river and sees one guy sitting by an ice hole - fishing. He looks into the hole - and there's crap floating in it.
- What's that? - he asks the fisherman. And the guy says:
- It's a long story, it began back at the start of the last century. See that half-ruined castle up on the cliff, well, a very rich prince lived there and he had a beautiful daughter. The time came to marry off the daughter, and the father searched for a long time, looked over many suitors.
But she went and fell in love with a shepherd. The prince got very angry then and locked her up at the very top, and drove the shepherd away. But love turned out to be stronger. The shepherd was waiting for her on the frozen river and she rushed to him on the wings of love, the ice broke under them and they drowned. Well, that's all.
- I don't get it, - says the refugee, - What's the crap got to do with it?
- Hell knows, somebody took a dump...

"Yesterday I caught a pike THIS big!" Kondrat brags to his neighbour.
"Could well be," the other man agrees. "The day before yesterday I landed a bream two kilos heavier."
"What, you weighed it or something?"
"I didn't weigh it, the seller did. I took the big fish for myself and left the smaller one for you."

New! Two fishermen are telling stories:
"I caught a fish so big that the scale didn't go high enough to weigh it."
"And I caught one so big that just the photo of it weighed 2 kg."

An angler is bragging to his buddies (spreading his arms wide):
"Yesterday I caught a fish THIS big!"
His buddies get fed up and tie his hands together.
The angler (making a circle with the palms of his tied hands):
"And it had an eye THIS big!"

Two fishermen are talking:
"Yesterday I caught a pike, just like my arm!"
"Liar, there's no such thing as a hairy pike!"

Two fishermen meet.
The first one: "Yesterday I pulled out a 100 kg catfish!"
The second one, modestly: "Yeah, I was casting a spoon yesterday too... Nothing special — took one little pike, about 10 kilos... Brought it home, slit its belly open — and inside there's an antique lantern with a monogram, and written in English: James Cook, seventeen-hundred-and-something... So I light it, and it's burning..."
The first one, after thinking it over: "Listen, I'll knock 90 kg off my catfish, but you put that lantern out!"

"So how's the fish biting today?"
"Well, I've been sitting here all day and haven't caught a single one."
"Why don't you try putting some bait on the hook?"

An angler is putting a worm on the hook, and the worm says to him:
"Hey man, don't strike too hard, my ears pop!"

A little worm kept pestering his mom, come on, tell me, tell me where dad is. Mama worm couldn't wriggle out of it and says: "He's very busy, son. He's been out with the guys since early morning, FISHING..."

On a fishing trip.
"What are you fussing with that worm for? It's dead!"
"It's not dead at all, it just passed out. I'll give it mouth-to-mouth, bring it round, and it can get back to catching fish. Enough of this faking!"

A fishing competition has just finished. A reporter asks the winners what their secret is.
3rd place: "I'm a surgeon. Once I tried fishing with a human appendix. The fish loved it. Pike, carp and chub go for an appendix especially well..."
2nd place: "I work in a hospital too. I take out tonsils. And I also tried fishing with tonsils once. The results beat all expectations. Perch, crucian carp and ruffe just adore tonsils..."
Question to the winner: "Well, and you're probably a doctor too?"
The winner: "Oh, don't make me laugh! I'm the rabbi at the local synagogue..."

A sergeant went fishing. Settling down on the riverbank, he took out a tin of worms, opened it and barked:
"I need one volunteer. Two steps forward!"

Autumn. Early morning. A riverbank. A fisherman stands there with his line cast, unhurriedly chewing on something. A passer-by:
"So, been standing here long?"
"Uh-huh," the fisherman mumbles.
"Anything biting? How's the catch?"
"Mm-m..."
"I don't get it... What, can't you talk properly? Aha! Having a bite after the first shot?"
Spitting something into his hand, the fisherman waves him off:
"Get lost! Can't you see I'm warming up the worms!"

A guy goes fishing.
Casts his line — not a damn thing.
Next to him sits an old man pulling them out one after another.
The guy goes over to him, come on, share your secret.
"What are you fishing with?"
"Bread."
"Nooooo, you need a worm."
"What worms, in HEAT LIKE THIS!"
"See that tree over there? Dig under it."
So the guy digs once and right away pulls out a worm THIIIIS big. He puts it on the hook and goes over to the old man to celebrate. They're sitting there drinking, and then the old man remembers: "Did you cast your line?"
The guy runs to check.
Pulls out the rod — there's the worm hanging on it, holding two carp by the eyes:
"Man!!! Where the hell have you been?!"