Joke collection No. 1

[INTRO]- Honey, did you buy me a present for March 8th?
- Of course, dear!
- And will I like it?
- Well, I don't know... If you don't like it, just give it to me - I've been dreaming of a spinning rod like that for ages!

- I bought a Scottish sheepdog, and it scares the neighbours so much...
- What, does it bark that loudly?
- It doesn't bark at all! But that tartan kilt and the bagpipes...[/INTRO]

A husband and wife are watching the TV show "Health". They show a patient hooked up to a machine with some kind of fluid.
Husband:
- Yeah... If I ever get sick and end up lying like that, please just switch off the button.
The wife got up, took away his beer and switched off the TV.

The unhappiest animal is the octopus. Its legs grow from its ears, its arms grow out of its a..., its a... has ears, and its brains, strictly speaking, are also in its a...

Folk wisdom: Vodka isn't petrol - out of town, consumption is higher!

Folk wisdom: When you find your other half, other halves start wandering around nearby and
make you have doubts...

A son and his father go fishing. The father says to his son:
- Son, give me the bread for groundbait.
- I ate it.
- Then give me the porridge.
- I ate that too.
- Then finish off the worms and let's go home.

- So there's a sawfish, a hammerhead...
- And what's got you so interested?
- What the hell are those b*stards building down there?